Sincerely, Hagar

imdb A few years ago, I remember reading Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist and falling absolutely in love with everything about it, and after finishing I discovered there are more to where that came from.  In a series of books, Rachel Cohn and David Levithan have created situations were characters get to know each other not through normal human communication but rather shared interested and habits. As a teenager who loved books and only books, imagine how lovely these concepts were for me.  Fast forward to 2020, I open Netflix for my daily question of what will I watch today? Only to see that a ghost from my teenage past has popped on the screen; New In: "Dash and Lily" a 20-minute-long 8-episode miniseries.  Now Dash & Lily's series of three books has been on my reading list since 2016 but I haven't got a chance to read them because I am a lazy sloth, so this was a bright surprise to myself on that evening. I click play thinking it's a movie only...

Autumn In New York   6-10-2020 -  The weather changing makes me nostalgic. Nostalgic for people I have never known, places I have never been and hearts I have never touched. As the air starts getting cooler and nights start getting longer, I am always in longing for something I don't quite understand, but I know it's out there, waiting for me.  It's a very weird thing; having the feeling without a pointed direction for it to go, its just there, hanging in your chest, pressing down with nowhere to go. And the colder it gets, the heavier it presses.  As you grow older, you have a lot of thoughts about how your life will be, what's going to happen. Some plan their weddings, others name their unforeseeable kids and others work towards a major end goal.  Regardless of which one you are, it is safe to say that people are never fully happy, at least not for a long time. We are never satisfied.  No matter where you are in life and how much you've achiev...

5-10-20 - It's funny how a person can be sure of something, then five years later have no idea what made them so sure.  I don't think I know who I am anymore. I based my entire life when I was 18 years old on who I was when I was 18 years old.  Now at 25, I have no idea why I made all those choices back then, what made me think I will stick with them.  I don't listen to the same music anymore, I don't even listen to music that much anymore. I don't read as much sadly. I don't have the same feelings about people, I don't even have the same friends I had back then.  And I know that this is life, that's supposed to happen but it's also so weird. weird, complicated and a little alarming.  Because when you have based everything on your past self, it feels like your future self is a foreign alien who has no idea what she's doing.  And that's exactly how I feel these days.  With too much time to think and the next steps waiting for me to take them, ...

2-10-2020 - Living online has never been something I wanted to do. And yet here I am. In fact here we are. The entire world is living online, collectively.  In the past if someone spent hours following influences or watching YouTube videos everyday, they would be disconnected from reality, trying to escape their lives, etc.  But now, the entire world is escaping their reality and not by choice, in fact the entire world is trying to create a virtual reality for themselves online in order to keep going.  And it sucks.  Today I tried to escape our new online reality by sleeping and instead I was woken up to attend an abrupt meeting, only to discover two hours later that I shouldn't have been in that meeting to begin with.  Don't think that would ever happen in reality with real people and real people's faces, but what can we do?  Personally, I think the world needs to accept the fact that this is going to be around for a while, and that we somehow need to find...

1-10-20 - Today is not a good day, in fact its not the best day.  Actually, its the worst day since I have been here.  I wake up and its sunny outside after a full rain day yesterday, so that sets me up for a good day. I get ready for my lecture, I drink my coffee, and there's the catch, I don't feel well.  In fact, I feel awful.   I don't think I know how to be alone anymore, which is ironic as I am someone who enjoyed being alone for at least half of my life if not more.  But no, I don't like my company anymore, I don't enjoy being with myself and my thoughts, it drives me crazy. I , drive me crazy.  Maybe its the choice, I chose to be alone in the past but now I didn't. Well I kind of did, but not like this. Being alone, alone while the entire world around you is seemingly going in pairs feels bad.  It feels lonely.  And that's different. 

اليوم مثله مثل جميع الايام، السماء مليئة بالغيوم كأنها علي وشك المطر لكنها لن تمطر، كالعادة. قررت الذهاب في تمشية طويلة لم أكن أعلم كم ستسغرق من الوقت. هاتفي علي وشك أن تنفد بطاريته، و أنا بلا وجهة حقيقية أو معرفة بالمكان الذي استعد للذهاب إليه لكنني قررت أن يصاحبني صوت فايا يونان في الطريق. قلوبنا غاية في الغرابة و الهشاشة. فيوما ما تستيقظ شاعراً بأنك علي ما يرام، بأن قلبك لم ينجرح أو تشوبه شائبة طوال حياتك فتشعر كأنك ملك العالم. و في أيام أخري تستيقظ بحجر علي صدرك، يعتصرك الألم و يجتذب كل جزء في صدرك حتي تتوقف عن القدرة علي التنفس. نعم، هناك الم و هناك ذكريات و مشاعر قرر عقلك و قلبك معا أن يتذكراها و يعيداها مراراً و تكراراً في هذا اليوم. "بيناتنا في بحر، يبقي البحر بيناتنا.... بيناتنا موج البحر، يجمعلنا حكايتنا... و بيناتنا مواعيد، ضاعت لأنه ضعنا... فجر كل يوم جديد علي الأرض يرجعنا.." هكذا استيقظت في ذلك اليوم. وجدت الحجر الذي ظننت أني تخلصت منه راقدا فوق صدري كأنه يتحداني، يخبرني أني مغفلة و أنه عاد مثل كل مرة رميته فيها. عاد و استقر في المكان الذ...

Hi (archived and updated)  14/04/2019 It's been over a month since I have sat down to write, well anything. I made the decision to stop writing because I was writing or rather whining about the same old shit; that I am tired, sad and lost. And during this wild time of no inner reflection, I was struck on daily basis by so many ideas and things that I wanted to write about because that's how ironic my life is, but I just didn't think I have the words to get them out. But here's an attempt. A sad one I know before even starting. To get everything I have on my mind outside. Bare it all here like I used to do once. (It's like a month later but let's pick up where we left off) I don't think I like the world. Everything feels so so heavy and I constantly feel like I am suffocating myself to the point where I constantly can't breath or do anything for the matter, all I really want to do is lie in bed, or not even my bed but just lie somewher...

الثامن عشر من ديسمبر ٢٠١٩ - انا مبكرهش مصر بس بردو مبحبش مصر للدرجة و غالباً عمري ماحبتها للدرجة، عادي بحس بالوطنية كل عيد ثورة و أيام الثورة و لما بتفرج علي فيلم عسل أسود و أسمعلي كام أغنية معينين، غير كدة فهي بلد بناسها و اللي فيها ماتسواش عندي حاجة و ماشوفتش منها حاجة حلوة غير كام بني آدم قمر و جبرت علي كدة. بس في حاجات كدة دائما بتخليني اشك في الموضوع ده زي مثلاً حمزة نمرة و هو بيقول "ارفع راسك أنت مصري" أو عايدة الأيوبي و هي بتغني علي بالي. الأغنية دي بالذات دائما لما بتيجي و انا سايقة بقعد اضحك لما تقول "ليه تهجرنا و قلبك يقسي ليه تبعد و حبايبك تنسي ليه يا اين بلدي لييه" عشان هو إيه اللي ليه يا عايدة و ليه لأ يعني؟ مافيش سبب و الله غير الناس و الحبايب غير كدة فهو ليه العكس. بس مثلاً أنا مش متخيلة نفسي بسمع الأغنية دي و انا ماشية في أي شارع غير شوارع مصر هنا، أصل هسمعها و انا ماشية في أي حتة تانية اعمل بيها إيه. ماينفعش أبقي بتمشي في اي مكان و أغني اسكندرية احسن ناس اصل أنا فين و اسكندرية فين. الموضوع غريب حقيقي بس في حاجات كدة باين الوا...

البوست ده للذكري مش اكتر ولا أقل، يعني مش لازم تقروه او براحتكم، الواحد بس اكتشف انه بيكبر و في تفاصيل كتير بتتنسي مع انها مش المفروض تتنسي و ليلة طويلة كدة،  خلينا في المهم. الوقت ما بين الخامسة و السادسة صباحا. اليوم، أوائل شهر تسعة، عام 2018. إحساس عام بالراحة و السعادة مسيطر علي حواسي، إحساس بقالي كتير اوي اوي يعني تقريبا ماحستوش.القعدة علي البحر، راسي علي كتفهم، الصمت التام مع صوت الموج، الشمس و هي طالعة و رجلي في المياة و طرف بنطلوني اللي اتغرق. دماغي كانت فاضية، فاضية بزيادة و مع ذلك كنت بفكر كتير اوي ورا، بفكر أنه الموضوع ده غريب اوي، و الإحساس ده أغرب و مكانه أغرب و أغرب. بس صح. إحساس أنه كل ده غريب بس صح، الناس دول صح، وجودي هنا صح، التوقيت ده صح، و أي حاجة هتيجي بعد كدة صح، حتي لو كان الخوف و إحساس ال "مش عارفة" ده موجود ورا و بيحاول يطلع لسة، هو صح. إحساس إن ده مش من يومين ولا تلاتة، ده من زمان اوي مع أنه في الحقيقة من يومين او تلاتة مكملش. إحساس أنه المفروض كان يحصل من وقت طويل أوي، بس هو إيه ده اللي يحصل؟ انا معرفش حاجة و خايفة من كل حاجة ...

hello there,  so this post came up in my Facebook memories today (yes I check it everyday at 12 am if I can, I have no life).  anyways, it came up and at first I was going to re-share it but as I was doing that I reread it and it didn't feel right, here's why; yes, we cannot control how we feel sometimes, but most of the time we do. it is a fact that i refused to believe for years, and still do sometimes but it is true nevertheless.  yes, we should never apologize for who we are at least when it comes to others, but what about ourselves? how we feel sometimes affects us, our own feelings can hurt us on the long run, they can without us realizing stay with us forever, leave a permanent mark that we cannot get rid of.  before you decide that your feelings are your feelings and that it is what it is, take a moment to think about those feelings, and if you are willing to keep up with their consequences and repercussions in the future,...

Hello, hi, what's up, blah blah blah. I am bored. And I mean, who isn't right now? The whole world collectively is bored. Or at least 50% bored, the other 50 anxious, worried and annoyed. Two, nearly three months ago I moved all the way to the UK to start my masters degree in journalism. And it was one of the biggest and most nerve-wracking decisions I have ever made in my short twenty something life so far. Coming here, I was both apprehensive and excited. Worried about being able to adapt, studying again, living alone for the first time, and all those versions. And excited about finally coming to the UK after dreaming about it for so long, nearly 10 years! (how old am I omg). Two month in here I am stuck in a small room, classes are cancelled, deadlines extended and no way to leave the house or do any 'outside' activities for the foreseeable future. Which pretty much means no motivation to leave my bed, and going crazy having nothing to do wh...

So the other day I was randomly scrolling through Instagram stories when I suddenly burst into tears that lasted for less than a minute before disappearing once again. And I thought, interesting . Here's the thing; 24 years on this earth and I am coming to a rather peculiar realisation, and that is, I have no idea how to cry anymore. Somewhere between telling myself not to cry so many times over things that actually mattered to me, and crying other times over things that matter and so many others that don't, I have somehow built a very complicated relationship with my tear-ducts. And it is very interesting. In the movie 'The Holiday' Cameron Diaz' character talks about how she hasn't cried since she was 13 after her parents splitting up where she cried for weeks and then nada. And sometimes, it feels the same to me, except its not. I can have the pressing need to cry for days on without actually managing to, while other times I will randomly sit down an...