Sincerely, Hagar

Writers & Lovers by Lily King follows our main character Casey, as she navigates life one year after her mother's sudden death, she is lost, broke, in-debt and very much living with her fair share of demons and past traumas.  Blindsided by her mother's sudden death, and wrecked by a recent love affair, Casey Peabody has arrived in Massachusetts in the summer of 1997 without a plan. Her mail consists of wedding invitations and final notices from debt collectors. A former child golf prodigy, she now waits tables in Harvard Square and rents a tiny, moldy room at the side of a garage where she works on the novel she's been writing for six years. At thirty-one, Casey is still clutching onto something nearly all her old friends have let go of: the determination to live a creative life. When she falls for two very different men at the same time, her world fractures even more. Casey's fight to fulfill her creative ambitions and balance the conflicting demands of art and lif...

في العادة انتقد أي شخص يحاول الغناء لأم كلثوم لأنها بالنسبة لي شخص صعب تقليد صوته او الوصول لدرجته . لكنني كلما استمعت لألف ليلة وليلة لأم كلثوم في آخر ثلاث سنوات، لا أسمع إلا صوتي أنا وأصدقائي ونحن نغنيها في السيارة بأعلى صوتنا، بينما يتغنى شخص ما في الخلفية في محاولة لإفساد غنائنا . كان صوتنا عال، وبدأ فجأة كما انتهي فجأة. عندما بدأت أم كلثوم تعيد ألف ليلة وليلة بدأنا نحن بالترديد ورائها، مغطيين على صوتها وصادحين بأصواتنا، وصفيرنا وتصقيفنا . كانت ليلة غريبة، ربما لا نتذكرها للأبد لكني سأتذكر هذه اللحظة لفترة طويلة. سأتذكرها كلما استمعت لأم كلثوم تغني هذه الأغنية. سأتذكرها كلما استمعت لتسجيلي من تلك الليلة. سأتذكرها كلما غني أحدهم ألف ليلة وليلة أو لعبها في فيديو أمامي . تدهشني دائماً الأحداث التي تختار أن تعيش في ادمغتنا. ففي تلك اللحظة لم أكن اعتقد أنها ستكون لحظة تبعث في قلبي السعادة كلما استرجعتها. في تلك اللحظة، وأنا أسجلنا ونحن ندمر الأغنية بأصواتنا فكرت بأنها ستكون ذكري لطيفة للمستقبل، لكني لم أفكر أنها ستكون ذكري ترفع من سريرتي كلما احتجت لذلك . في تلك ال...

5-10-20 - It's funny how a person can be sure of something, then five years later have no idea what made them so sure.  I don't think I know who I am anymore. I based my entire life when I was 18 years old on who I was when I was 18 years old.  Now at 25, I have no idea why I made all those choices back then, what made me think I will stick with them.  I don't listen to the same music anymore, I don't even listen to music that much anymore. I don't read as much sadly. I don't have the same feelings about people, I don't even have the same friends I had back then.  And I know that this is life, that's supposed to happen but it's also so weird. weird, complicated and a little alarming.  Because when you have based everything on your past self, it feels like your future self is a foreign alien who has no idea what she's doing.  And that's exactly how I feel these days.  With too much time to think and the next steps waiting for me to take them, ...

1-10-20 - Today is not a good day, in fact its not the best day.  Actually, its the worst day since I have been here.  I wake up and its sunny outside after a full rain day yesterday, so that sets me up for a good day. I get ready for my lecture, I drink my coffee, and there's the catch, I don't feel well.  In fact, I feel awful.   I don't think I know how to be alone anymore, which is ironic as I am someone who enjoyed being alone for at least half of my life if not more.  But no, I don't like my company anymore, I don't enjoy being with myself and my thoughts, it drives me crazy. I , drive me crazy.  Maybe its the choice, I chose to be alone in the past but now I didn't. Well I kind of did, but not like this. Being alone, alone while the entire world around you is seemingly going in pairs feels bad.  It feels lonely.  And that's different. 

The idea of letting go of something or someone so close to our heart is sometimes one of the worst and most painful ideas ever because you could feel the ache right there in your chest but you know there's nothing to be done about it. You either hurt yourself or hurt the person you love the most. Sometimes letting them go is for their best, sometimes it's for yours. Sometimes the misery you both have to battle through is better than being together.  Sometimes the painful, dull ache you feel whenever you hear their name is better than always hearing them say your name.  Sometimes you're not given the choice to walk away or say goodbye. Sometimes it's ripped right away from your hands before you could blink and it leaves you there, aching, hurting and most of all coping. Coping with not having them there all the time, coping with not being able to call them yours or even have their name on the tip of your tongue anymore. It's all taken away ...

So I am starting a new thing where I write posts based on certain books or movies, be it impressions, afterthoughts, or general things I seem to get out of the book/movie. Because I think no two people ever get the same thing out of the same book/movie, it’s always different based on your personal beliefs, experiences, etc… So without further ado, here is the first one!  --- -“he talks until it’s as if he weighs an entire person lighter...”    - “we keep talking and then talk some more..” I wonder why do writers always use such expressions in books, it actually kind of annoys me; mentioning the notion of talking – deep talking - to someone without really going into detail about the actual conversation they have/had. As a naturally curious person, I would actually like to hear/read more about those talks. I want to see and understand what it is like to feel like you can talk to this particular person forever without really running out of t...