On feeling meh, being jobless and possibly, future-less.

Hi (archived and updated) 

14/04/2019

It's been over a month since I have sat down to write, well anything. I made the decision to stop writing because I was writing or rather whining about the same old shit; that I am tired, sad and lost.

And during this wild time of no inner reflection, I was struck on daily basis by so many ideas and things that I wanted to write about because that's how ironic my life is, but I just didn't think I have the words to get them out.

But here's an attempt. A sad one I know before even starting. To get everything I have on my mind outside. Bare it all here like I used to do once.

(It's like a month later but let's pick up where we left off)

I don't think I like the world. Everything feels so so heavy and I constantly feel like I am suffocating myself to the point where I constantly can't breath or do anything for the matter, all I really want to do is lie in bed, or not even my bed but just lie somewhere untouched or accessed by anyone else, and away from all responsibilities or humans who make me angry my skin crawls, first world problems I know. 

But it's literally all I want to do. 

I just recently stumbled upon a tweet that says "allow yourself to feel the joy of stillness, of simplicity, of small lucks, tiny wonders!!" and it could not be more close to home. I need the simplicity, the time to stare at nothing and think about nothing, the ability to revel at finishing another book or writing another blog post, the joy of waking up early on Friday to see a movie on my own. 

Things that are so simple, so trivial, so unimportant but yet they are things that made me happy and gave me a sense of peace or rather a clear state of mind. 

Six months ago I started a new job, my very first real job and since then I don't think I have experienced this state of mind at all and I am not sure if it's because I am a spoilt brat who does not know how to navigate the real world as a lot of people took it upon themselves to imply.

Or it's because the work itself was extremely uneventful, I did not find myself learning anything about the 'real world' but rather learning what to hate about it, which is not a surprise at all I guess? I don't know. 

Uneventful is not really the right word however, I just don't know how to say it besides everything about this job sucked, the place felt dull, too dull on some days. But I told myself that it's fine that work is not really supposed to be fun, blah blah blah. 

I can't say I expected fun, but I surely expected to meet new nice people, of which I discovered was like finding a pin needle in a stack of hay, so so hard. And to top it all off, towards the last two months-ish, the idea of going to this place just straight drove me to tears, so dramatic I know. 

And as I prepare to leave this job, I am now realising more and more that I shouldn't have put the blame on myself when it came to all that because really, that was an all around horrible experience that we'll just wait around to see the reason behind, because yes everything happens for a reason we still believe that. 

I realise that yes there are bad working environments, and that there's such a thing as toxic people and that yes I might be a frown-y person on most days but really, it just takes the right people to turn this frown upside down as they say, I don't do it on purpose really. 

We'll just pretend that that's true. 

So, now what? 

Really that is the grand question of life, but this particular question makes me feel so lost and confused to the point where I just feel like crying at all times, literally, and that is not a fun thing. So many tears have already been mentioned in this post, I know, I know, my eyes are also fed up with me. 

I honestly have no idea now what, or more like I try not to have an idea because thinking of the possibilities is pretty terrifying, I end up feeling like I need a rabbit hole to hide for the rest of my life. Rabbits eat, poop and reproduce, seems pretty conventional if you ask me. 

ugh.

.........................................................................................

14/04/2020

Its a year later, and I couldn't help but find it so crazy reading it now when things couldn't be more different but somehow still the same in a lot of aspects.

I remember this time last year I was feeling low, extremely low, barley hanging there counting the days till I get to leave my job and finally do something else with my life.

And one year later, here I am a few months into my Masters Degree and stuck inside in another country due to a global pandemic, quite the drastic difference eh?

I cannot say that I am in the same place I was writing that post -mentally- at least, I am much better definitely, a lot happier than I was in the same moment and definitely with less tears.

But I am definitely in the same place 'motivation-ally'. I still have no idea what am I going to do in the future. I don't even know if there is going to be a future for us to begin with.

Life is somehow, more confusing and uncertain than ever before and yet I am calmer, most days. I am not as greedy as I was to be where 'I am supposed to be', I can wait, again most days.

Living in this time is truly a confusing and challenging one. Everybody is successful, everybody is doing something with their lives, and despite how true or how untrue this statement is, it feels like that most days, like I am the only person left on earth who has no idea what they want to do,

But for some reason, I am growing more and more okay with that idea everyday. Accepting that I might not stumble into what or where I am supposed to be this year, or the next one, maybe not even the next five years.

And most days, this is no longer a suffocating thought,

most days.