Sincerely, Hagar

عندي ٢٧ سنة و هيبقوا ٢٨ قريب. تجاربي في الحياة محدودة جداً و كل يوم بكتشف ده اكتر لما بقابل ناس و أشوف اد ايه في حاجات أنا معشتهاش كل الناس عاشتها تقريباً.  فكرة إنك تلاقي ناس شبهك دي حاجة مهمة و حلو جدااا، عشان من غيرها هتحس إنك غريب في بلاد غريبة و الواحد مش ناقص. بس في نفس الوقت لما كل اللي حواليك يبقوا شبهك ده بيخلي عندك شئ من الاطمئنان و الراحة تجاه تجاربك المحدودة زي حالاتي.  لحد ما تخرج برة بقي و تشوف ناس راحت و جات و عملت و بنت و هدت و أنت لسة محلك سر. من سنتين كنت بنهار من الفكرة دي. إزاي عندي ٢٥ سنة و معملتش حاجة، لا اشتغلت ولا عرفت حد ولا عملت مصايب، ازاي مملة كدة. و بعدين شوية بشوية بدأت أقول لنفسي إنه عادي أنا لسة صغيرة إيه يعني لسة قدامي وقت أعمل كل ده و بلاش هبل. و بعدين بقيت بقول إنه لما ربنا يريد هيحصل كل حاجة.  دلوقتي بقي كل ما أكبر شوية و أتعرف علي ناس برا دائرتي شوية أو أقابل ناس معرفهمش أصلا بحكم شغلي برجع أحس أنا اد ايه محدودة و مملة حتي ساعات اللي هو مافيش خالص. الناس راحت و جات و بتعمل لنفسها حياة و انا زي ما أنا.  ساعات ببقي مبسوطة زي ما أنا ...

1-10-20 - Today is not a good day, in fact its not the best day.  Actually, its the worst day since I have been here.  I wake up and its sunny outside after a full rain day yesterday, so that sets me up for a good day. I get ready for my lecture, I drink my coffee, and there's the catch, I don't feel well.  In fact, I feel awful.   I don't think I know how to be alone anymore, which is ironic as I am someone who enjoyed being alone for at least half of my life if not more.  But no, I don't like my company anymore, I don't enjoy being with myself and my thoughts, it drives me crazy. I , drive me crazy.  Maybe its the choice, I chose to be alone in the past but now I didn't. Well I kind of did, but not like this. Being alone, alone while the entire world around you is seemingly going in pairs feels bad.  It feels lonely.  And that's different. 

Woman With Hijab by Rosie The Riveter Everyone is free to do whatever they want unless you’re a woman, there are quite a few limitations to that... Everyone is free to practice their faith without getting called out for it, unless you’re a Muslim –woman-… Everyone is free to wear whatever they want, however they want, as long as they mind their own business, -that is of course- unless you’re a veiled Muslim woman.  It’s like the tri-factor of doom in this day and age; because while people scream and chant for equality, for acceptance, for global freedom, some are chanting it in the faces of those who need not be freed of anything but the constant stares, the trials at forced freedom of bounds only existing in the heads of those trying to free them. We need education before anything else, globally . Being a feminist has become quite the trend if I might say, but being a veiled feminist? God forbid! You need to be freed at first sister! I understand...

No this is not one of them cheesy posts and before we start, if you're a hopeless romantic or believe that love can end wars and cure disease, then fair warning: this post will destroy your pink bubble. Kind of... So let's get going! I was just lying there and one thought led to another and I find myself thinking about the last dinosaur falling dead with its skeleton laid after falling 50 ft from above the ground. Now TV shows, movies, documentaries and such forms of entertainment will create a whole plot that will convince you that this said dinosaur died, not from excessive heat, not from dehydration, not from not from lack of food, not because a meteor fell on earth, etc... They will convince you that this dinosaur didn't die because of any theories, or epiphanies any scientist had, but rather of loneliness. Now hold up there, yes I know you're going to say that animals feel emotion, that people die from loneliness yada yada yada and that's all true, it hap...