So the other day I was randomly scrolling through Instagram stories when I suddenly burst into tears that lasted for less than a minute before disappearing once again. And I thought, interesting.
Here's the thing; 24 years on this earth and I am coming to a rather peculiar realisation, and that is, I have no idea how to cry anymore.
Somewhere between telling myself not to cry so many times over things that actually mattered to me, and crying other times over things that matter and so many others that don't, I have somehow built a very complicated relationship with my tear-ducts.
And it is very interesting.
In the movie 'The Holiday' Cameron Diaz' character talks about how she hasn't cried since she was 13 after her parents splitting up where she cried for weeks and then nada. And sometimes, it feels the same to me, except its not.
I can have the pressing need to cry for days on without actually managing to, while other times I will randomly sit down and start crying over feelings that I had two years ago, and I would cry as if it was yesterday and I was feeling all those things all over again.
And other times I can feel the need to cry right there on my forehead, in the back of my throat and at the tip of my nose, but it just wouldn't come and it's as if I am in those first weeks after getting my eye laser surgery done and my eyes were so dry I couldn't physically cry all over again.
The funny thing is, I am an easily teary person, if someone cries in-front of me I will probably cry, if I am watching a movie I will probably cry, if I am thinking about something sad I will also probably cry. Yet somehow during all this back and forth I have managed to stop those tears from coming, to dry up those ducts to the point where crying when I need to or want to feels like an effort.
Now someone might think woman, why on earth are you writing about your tears and crying habits, nobody needs to hear this, which is kind of true.
But as someone who spends so much of their time -sometimes literally- telling people to cry, that it is completely okay to cry whenever and however you want, that crying in fact helps in the process of healing, getting over things or generally dealing with your inner emotions, I think it's quite funny to find myself in such a situation (and you're here to hear my thoughts no matter how weird they are so here goes nothing!)
I think we spend so much of our time trying to become things that we don't really need to become, more smiley, less teary, less chatty, more gentle, when in reality we just need to learn how to handle ourselves instead of how to tone it down or shut it up completely.
I think I preferred the person who used to cry a lot over this person who has no idea how to handle their feelings or even if they are real in the first place, and it is a very thin line.
But yeah, no idea where to go from here. But one thing I am sure about is that I need to make peace with those tear ducts again somehow. Soon.
Somewhere between telling myself not to cry so many times over things that actually mattered to me, and crying other times over things that matter and so many others that don't, I have somehow built a very complicated relationship with my tear-ducts.
And it is very interesting.
In the movie 'The Holiday' Cameron Diaz' character talks about how she hasn't cried since she was 13 after her parents splitting up where she cried for weeks and then nada. And sometimes, it feels the same to me, except its not.
I can have the pressing need to cry for days on without actually managing to, while other times I will randomly sit down and start crying over feelings that I had two years ago, and I would cry as if it was yesterday and I was feeling all those things all over again.
And other times I can feel the need to cry right there on my forehead, in the back of my throat and at the tip of my nose, but it just wouldn't come and it's as if I am in those first weeks after getting my eye laser surgery done and my eyes were so dry I couldn't physically cry all over again.
The funny thing is, I am an easily teary person, if someone cries in-front of me I will probably cry, if I am watching a movie I will probably cry, if I am thinking about something sad I will also probably cry. Yet somehow during all this back and forth I have managed to stop those tears from coming, to dry up those ducts to the point where crying when I need to or want to feels like an effort.
Now someone might think woman, why on earth are you writing about your tears and crying habits, nobody needs to hear this, which is kind of true.
But as someone who spends so much of their time -sometimes literally- telling people to cry, that it is completely okay to cry whenever and however you want, that crying in fact helps in the process of healing, getting over things or generally dealing with your inner emotions, I think it's quite funny to find myself in such a situation (and you're here to hear my thoughts no matter how weird they are so here goes nothing!)
I think we spend so much of our time trying to become things that we don't really need to become, more smiley, less teary, less chatty, more gentle, when in reality we just need to learn how to handle ourselves instead of how to tone it down or shut it up completely.
I think I preferred the person who used to cry a lot over this person who has no idea how to handle their feelings or even if they are real in the first place, and it is a very thin line.
But yeah, no idea where to go from here. But one thing I am sure about is that I need to make peace with those tear ducts again somehow. Soon.
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