stop the madness

5-10-20

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It's funny how a person can be sure of something, then five years later have no idea what made them so sure. 

I don't think I know who I am anymore. I based my entire life when I was 18 years old on who I was when I was 18 years old. 

Now at 25, I have no idea why I made all those choices back then, what made me think I will stick with them. 

I don't listen to the same music anymore, I don't even listen to music that much anymore. I don't read as much sadly. I don't have the same feelings about people, I don't even have the same friends I had back then. 

And I know that this is life, that's supposed to happen but it's also so weird. weird, complicated and a little alarming. 

Because when you have based everything on your past self, it feels like your future self is a foreign alien who has no idea what she's doing. 

And that's exactly how I feel these days. 

With too much time to think and the next steps waiting for me to take them, I find myself thinking a lot about where I thought my current steps would take me, and most importantly, why did I think that. 

And the great discovery? I based a lot of thing on feelings. How I felt about thing dictated what I would do. 

I studied the closest thing I found to something I love(d). Decided to quit a job because I hated it. Decided on travelling to a place I thought I loved. Every decision was based on how I felt when making it. What felt right then. 

And now I have no idea what to do next or where to go from there. 

Pretty sure its not as big of an issue as my brain is making it out to be, but let's just work with it for a moment. 

If every single decision I have made these past two years where wrong, what about the ones before that? Is every single decision I made in my life since I was 18 wrong? 

I don't think so. 

It's not possible. And if it is wrong now, it was right when I made it, at least I hope so.

Moral of the story is, stop the madness hagar.