Sincerely, Hagar

عندي ٢٧ سنة و هيبقوا ٢٨ قريب. تجاربي في الحياة محدودة جداً و كل يوم بكتشف ده اكتر لما بقابل ناس و أشوف اد ايه في حاجات أنا معشتهاش كل الناس عاشتها تقريباً.  فكرة إنك تلاقي ناس شبهك دي حاجة مهمة و حلو جدااا، عشان من غيرها هتحس إنك غريب في بلاد غريبة و الواحد مش ناقص. بس في نفس الوقت لما كل اللي حواليك يبقوا شبهك ده بيخلي عندك شئ من الاطمئنان و الراحة تجاه تجاربك المحدودة زي حالاتي.  لحد ما تخرج برة بقي و تشوف ناس راحت و جات و عملت و بنت و هدت و أنت لسة محلك سر. من سنتين كنت بنهار من الفكرة دي. إزاي عندي ٢٥ سنة و معملتش حاجة، لا اشتغلت ولا عرفت حد ولا عملت مصايب، ازاي مملة كدة. و بعدين شوية بشوية بدأت أقول لنفسي إنه عادي أنا لسة صغيرة إيه يعني لسة قدامي وقت أعمل كل ده و بلاش هبل. و بعدين بقيت بقول إنه لما ربنا يريد هيحصل كل حاجة.  دلوقتي بقي كل ما أكبر شوية و أتعرف علي ناس برا دائرتي شوية أو أقابل ناس معرفهمش أصلا بحكم شغلي برجع أحس أنا اد ايه محدودة و مملة حتي ساعات اللي هو مافيش خالص. الناس راحت و جات و بتعمل لنفسها حياة و انا زي ما أنا.  ساعات ببقي مبسوطة زي ما أنا ...

5-10-20 - It's funny how a person can be sure of something, then five years later have no idea what made them so sure.  I don't think I know who I am anymore. I based my entire life when I was 18 years old on who I was when I was 18 years old.  Now at 25, I have no idea why I made all those choices back then, what made me think I will stick with them.  I don't listen to the same music anymore, I don't even listen to music that much anymore. I don't read as much sadly. I don't have the same feelings about people, I don't even have the same friends I had back then.  And I know that this is life, that's supposed to happen but it's also so weird. weird, complicated and a little alarming.  Because when you have based everything on your past self, it feels like your future self is a foreign alien who has no idea what she's doing.  And that's exactly how I feel these days.  With too much time to think and the next steps waiting for me to take them, ...

1-10-20 - Today is not a good day, in fact its not the best day.  Actually, its the worst day since I have been here.  I wake up and its sunny outside after a full rain day yesterday, so that sets me up for a good day. I get ready for my lecture, I drink my coffee, and there's the catch, I don't feel well.  In fact, I feel awful.   I don't think I know how to be alone anymore, which is ironic as I am someone who enjoyed being alone for at least half of my life if not more.  But no, I don't like my company anymore, I don't enjoy being with myself and my thoughts, it drives me crazy. I , drive me crazy.  Maybe its the choice, I chose to be alone in the past but now I didn't. Well I kind of did, but not like this. Being alone, alone while the entire world around you is seemingly going in pairs feels bad.  It feels lonely.  And that's different. 

The idea of letting go of something or someone so close to our heart is sometimes one of the worst and most painful ideas ever because you could feel the ache right there in your chest but you know there's nothing to be done about it. You either hurt yourself or hurt the person you love the most. Sometimes letting them go is for their best, sometimes it's for yours. Sometimes the misery you both have to battle through is better than being together.  Sometimes the painful, dull ache you feel whenever you hear their name is better than always hearing them say your name.  Sometimes you're not given the choice to walk away or say goodbye. Sometimes it's ripped right away from your hands before you could blink and it leaves you there, aching, hurting and most of all coping. Coping with not having them there all the time, coping with not being able to call them yours or even have their name on the tip of your tongue anymore. It's all taken away ...