Sincerely, Hagar

Autumn In New York   6-10-2020 -  The weather changing makes me nostalgic. Nostalgic for people I have never known, places I have never been and hearts I have never touched. As the air starts getting cooler and nights start getting longer, I am always in longing for something I don't quite understand, but I know it's out there, waiting for me.  It's a very weird thing; having the feeling without a pointed direction for it to go, its just there, hanging in your chest, pressing down with nowhere to go. And the colder it gets, the heavier it presses.  As you grow older, you have a lot of thoughts about how your life will be, what's going to happen. Some plan their weddings, others name their unforeseeable kids and others work towards a major end goal.  Regardless of which one you are, it is safe to say that people are never fully happy, at least not for a long time. We are never satisfied.  No matter where you are in life and how much you've achiev...

5-10-20 - It's funny how a person can be sure of something, then five years later have no idea what made them so sure.  I don't think I know who I am anymore. I based my entire life when I was 18 years old on who I was when I was 18 years old.  Now at 25, I have no idea why I made all those choices back then, what made me think I will stick with them.  I don't listen to the same music anymore, I don't even listen to music that much anymore. I don't read as much sadly. I don't have the same feelings about people, I don't even have the same friends I had back then.  And I know that this is life, that's supposed to happen but it's also so weird. weird, complicated and a little alarming.  Because when you have based everything on your past self, it feels like your future self is a foreign alien who has no idea what she's doing.  And that's exactly how I feel these days.  With too much time to think and the next steps waiting for me to take them, ...

2-10-2020 - Living online has never been something I wanted to do. And yet here I am. In fact here we are. The entire world is living online, collectively.  In the past if someone spent hours following influences or watching YouTube videos everyday, they would be disconnected from reality, trying to escape their lives, etc.  But now, the entire world is escaping their reality and not by choice, in fact the entire world is trying to create a virtual reality for themselves online in order to keep going.  And it sucks.  Today I tried to escape our new online reality by sleeping and instead I was woken up to attend an abrupt meeting, only to discover two hours later that I shouldn't have been in that meeting to begin with.  Don't think that would ever happen in reality with real people and real people's faces, but what can we do?  Personally, I think the world needs to accept the fact that this is going to be around for a while, and that we somehow need to find...

1-10-20 - Today is not a good day, in fact its not the best day.  Actually, its the worst day since I have been here.  I wake up and its sunny outside after a full rain day yesterday, so that sets me up for a good day. I get ready for my lecture, I drink my coffee, and there's the catch, I don't feel well.  In fact, I feel awful.   I don't think I know how to be alone anymore, which is ironic as I am someone who enjoyed being alone for at least half of my life if not more.  But no, I don't like my company anymore, I don't enjoy being with myself and my thoughts, it drives me crazy. I , drive me crazy.  Maybe its the choice, I chose to be alone in the past but now I didn't. Well I kind of did, but not like this. Being alone, alone while the entire world around you is seemingly going in pairs feels bad.  It feels lonely.  And that's different. 

اليوم مثله مثل جميع الايام، السماء مليئة بالغيوم كأنها علي وشك المطر لكنها لن تمطر، كالعادة. قررت الذهاب في تمشية طويلة لم أكن أعلم كم ستسغرق من الوقت. هاتفي علي وشك أن تنفد بطاريته، و أنا بلا وجهة حقيقية أو معرفة بالمكان الذي استعد للذهاب إليه لكنني قررت أن يصاحبني صوت فايا يونان في الطريق. قلوبنا غاية في الغرابة و الهشاشة. فيوما ما تستيقظ شاعراً بأنك علي ما يرام، بأن قلبك لم ينجرح أو تشوبه شائبة طوال حياتك فتشعر كأنك ملك العالم. و في أيام أخري تستيقظ بحجر علي صدرك، يعتصرك الألم و يجتذب كل جزء في صدرك حتي تتوقف عن القدرة علي التنفس. نعم، هناك الم و هناك ذكريات و مشاعر قرر عقلك و قلبك معا أن يتذكراها و يعيداها مراراً و تكراراً في هذا اليوم. "بيناتنا في بحر، يبقي البحر بيناتنا.... بيناتنا موج البحر، يجمعلنا حكايتنا... و بيناتنا مواعيد، ضاعت لأنه ضعنا... فجر كل يوم جديد علي الأرض يرجعنا.." هكذا استيقظت في ذلك اليوم. وجدت الحجر الذي ظننت أني تخلصت منه راقدا فوق صدري كأنه يتحداني، يخبرني أني مغفلة و أنه عاد مثل كل مرة رميته فيها. عاد و استقر في المكان الذ...

Hi (archived and updated)  14/04/2019 It's been over a month since I have sat down to write, well anything. I made the decision to stop writing because I was writing or rather whining about the same old shit; that I am tired, sad and lost. And during this wild time of no inner reflection, I was struck on daily basis by so many ideas and things that I wanted to write about because that's how ironic my life is, but I just didn't think I have the words to get them out. But here's an attempt. A sad one I know before even starting. To get everything I have on my mind outside. Bare it all here like I used to do once. (It's like a month later but let's pick up where we left off) I don't think I like the world. Everything feels so so heavy and I constantly feel like I am suffocating myself to the point where I constantly can't breath or do anything for the matter, all I really want to do is lie in bed, or not even my bed but just lie somewher...

الثامن عشر من ديسمبر ٢٠١٩ - انا مبكرهش مصر بس بردو مبحبش مصر للدرجة و غالباً عمري ماحبتها للدرجة، عادي بحس بالوطنية كل عيد ثورة و أيام الثورة و لما بتفرج علي فيلم عسل أسود و أسمعلي كام أغنية معينين، غير كدة فهي بلد بناسها و اللي فيها ماتسواش عندي حاجة و ماشوفتش منها حاجة حلوة غير كام بني آدم قمر و جبرت علي كدة. بس في حاجات كدة دائما بتخليني اشك في الموضوع ده زي مثلاً حمزة نمرة و هو بيقول "ارفع راسك أنت مصري" أو عايدة الأيوبي و هي بتغني علي بالي. الأغنية دي بالذات دائما لما بتيجي و انا سايقة بقعد اضحك لما تقول "ليه تهجرنا و قلبك يقسي ليه تبعد و حبايبك تنسي ليه يا اين بلدي لييه" عشان هو إيه اللي ليه يا عايدة و ليه لأ يعني؟ مافيش سبب و الله غير الناس و الحبايب غير كدة فهو ليه العكس. بس مثلاً أنا مش متخيلة نفسي بسمع الأغنية دي و انا ماشية في أي شارع غير شوارع مصر هنا، أصل هسمعها و انا ماشية في أي حتة تانية اعمل بيها إيه. ماينفعش أبقي بتمشي في اي مكان و أغني اسكندرية احسن ناس اصل أنا فين و اسكندرية فين. الموضوع غريب حقيقي بس في حاجات كدة باين الوا...