Sincerely, Hagar

Hello, hi, what's up, blah blah blah. I am bored. And I mean, who isn't right now? The whole world collectively is bored. Or at least 50% bored, the other 50 anxious, worried and annoyed. Two, nearly three months ago I moved all the way to the UK to start my masters degree in journalism. And it was one of the biggest and most nerve-wracking decisions I have ever made in my short twenty something life so far. Coming here, I was both apprehensive and excited. Worried about being able to adapt, studying again, living alone for the first time, and all those versions. And excited about finally coming to the UK after dreaming about it for so long, nearly 10 years! (how old am I omg). Two month in here I am stuck in a small room, classes are cancelled, deadlines extended and no way to leave the house or do any 'outside' activities for the foreseeable future. Which pretty much means no motivation to leave my bed, and going crazy having nothing to do wh...

So the other day I was randomly scrolling through Instagram stories when I suddenly burst into tears that lasted for less than a minute before disappearing once again. And I thought, interesting . Here's the thing; 24 years on this earth and I am coming to a rather peculiar realisation, and that is, I have no idea how to cry anymore. Somewhere between telling myself not to cry so many times over things that actually mattered to me, and crying other times over things that matter and so many others that don't, I have somehow built a very complicated relationship with my tear-ducts. And it is very interesting. In the movie 'The Holiday' Cameron Diaz' character talks about how she hasn't cried since she was 13 after her parents splitting up where she cried for weeks and then nada. And sometimes, it feels the same to me, except its not. I can have the pressing need to cry for days on without actually managing to, while other times I will randomly sit down an...

أنهيت مكالمة طويلة مع أحد أشخاصي المفضلين علي الإطلاق و قررت أن اقرأ قليلا، ثم فتحت التلفاز الذي هجرته منذ زمن لأجد أم كلثوم تتغني بفكروني في سلطنة معتادة فتركتها في الخلفية ثم فتحت كتابي و استكملت القراءة. الأيام كلها أصبحت تتكرر، استيقظ من النوم لأفعل نفس الأشياء التي فعلتها في اليوم السابق و هكذا، كنت أظن أن الرتابة تأتي من العمل و الروتين لكن الحقيقة أن الرتابة تأتي مع زيادة السن، كلما زاد سنك كلما كانت حياتك رتيبة تمشي علي رتم واحد، و في بعض الأحيان يكون هذا بتخطيطك شخصيا، أو علي الأقل هي هكذا في حالتي. المهم، أن هذا التكرار و الرتابة يجعل من الأشياء الصغيرة التي في العادة قد تكون جزءا من اليوم -مثل مكالمة دافئة طويلة أو نزهة قصيرة علي القدمين أو مشاهدة حفلة لأم كلثوم و تركها في الخلفية بينما تقرأ كتاباً أخذ منك أكثر من اللازم بسبب قلة التركيز التي ظهرت فجأة في حياتك عندما توقفت عن الاحتياج للتركيز في أي شئ، تغييرا كبيراً يضفي علي اليوم طابعا خاصاً و رونقاً مختلفا عن كل الأيام برغم بساطتها الشديدة. جعلني ذلك ألاحظ أنها تلك الأشياء التي نغفل عن أهميتها في حياتنا السر...

on this special day, please allow me to say a few things, for memories sake..  you don't know how lovely you are. you keep asking me why I do whatever I do - loving you, holding onto you, etc - and the answer is very simple, it's because of everything you are and everything you do. you don't know how lovely you are. how kind you are. how adamant you are to make yourself and people around you better. but most importantly, you don't quite know how good your heart is. you are quite truly - in my humble opinion-  a light that you cannot see with your own eyes. and seeing your heart in everything you do and say makes me admire you more and more everyday.   و علي رأي أم كلثوم و اللي جوة القلب كان في القلب جوة رحنا و اتغيرنا احنا إلا هو. الواحد اللي في قلبه باين مابيتغيرش كدة مهما عمل و بيبان للناس. I may never go back to the version I used to be, the version I liked, the version you somehow saw beyond everything, but I at least regained so...

July 04, 2019 Breaths are harder to catch, heart is pounding loudly, skin is crawling, tears are building, lungs are gulping. And all you can do is stay there, in the moment, feeling your heart get heavier by the second, heavier and heavier until it gets too heavy for your eyes and lung to take it, so you cry too loudly or maybe too silently, and you breathe a littler faster, a little louder, all the while trying to keep that heart of yours from falling out of your chest. And although you know it is impossible, at this very moment, it seems very possible.

OK I actually finally managed just before they took it off the screen to watch Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald and I am so happy I did because man, that was something. So let's talk about it, shall we? First things first, I would to publicly declare that I would like to have JK Rowling's' imagination for myself. I mean, this woman and her imagination have been my companion for the last at least 10-12 years of my life, I think I now know more about the wizarding world more than that of our real world.  I won't lie, I am one of those people who were terrified of the new extension added to the Harry Potter universe and venturing into the past and future of the series, I mean why mess with what's already pretty good, I thought it was a horrible idea. But I mean, who am I kidding? I am a sucker for anything Harry Potter related so obviously I went with the flow. And so far so good, I regret nothing.  In fact, I...

My "official" graduation was a week ago and you can bet I have more feelings about it than any person ever needs to have. Its rather funny how throughout life, when a phase is done, its done and put behind, you never think about other people who still have to go through that phase or those who are still in it. When high school was over, for me it was over for good, people no longer went to high school because well, I no longer go to high school and I am the center of my own universe. But now, this is the last step before entering real life, it sounds silly but it's like before this point, I could still pretend to be something I am not, I could pretend to have something that occupies my life and give me a purpose, once its over, I am left with nothing. Unless I get a job -which so far I am failing to do so thank you very much- I am now considered to be a waste of air and space, someone with no purpose, which I am. But the thing is, for so long I have had to ...