Sincerely, Hagar

So the other day I was randomly scrolling through Instagram stories when I suddenly burst into tears that lasted for less than a minute before disappearing once again. And I thought, interesting . Here's the thing; 24 years on this earth and I am coming to a rather peculiar realisation, and that is, I have no idea how to cry anymore. Somewhere between telling myself not to cry so many times over things that actually mattered to me, and crying other times over things that matter and so many others that don't, I have somehow built a very complicated relationship with my tear-ducts. And it is very interesting. In the movie 'The Holiday' Cameron Diaz' character talks about how she hasn't cried since she was 13 after her parents splitting up where she cried for weeks and then nada. And sometimes, it feels the same to me, except its not. I can have the pressing need to cry for days on without actually managing to, while other times I will randomly sit down an...

أنهيت مكالمة طويلة مع أحد أشخاصي المفضلين علي الإطلاق و قررت أن اقرأ قليلا، ثم فتحت التلفاز الذي هجرته منذ زمن لأجد أم كلثوم تتغني بفكروني في سلطنة معتادة فتركتها في الخلفية ثم فتحت كتابي و استكملت القراءة. الأيام كلها أصبحت تتكرر، استيقظ من النوم لأفعل نفس الأشياء التي فعلتها في اليوم السابق و هكذا، كنت أظن أن الرتابة تأتي من العمل و الروتين لكن الحقيقة أن الرتابة تأتي مع زيادة السن، كلما زاد سنك كلما كانت حياتك رتيبة تمشي علي رتم واحد، و في بعض الأحيان يكون هذا بتخطيطك شخصيا، أو علي الأقل هي هكذا في حالتي. المهم، أن هذا التكرار و الرتابة يجعل من الأشياء الصغيرة التي في العادة قد تكون جزءا من اليوم -مثل مكالمة دافئة طويلة أو نزهة قصيرة علي القدمين أو مشاهدة حفلة لأم كلثوم و تركها في الخلفية بينما تقرأ كتاباً أخذ منك أكثر من اللازم بسبب قلة التركيز التي ظهرت فجأة في حياتك عندما توقفت عن الاحتياج للتركيز في أي شئ، تغييرا كبيراً يضفي علي اليوم طابعا خاصاً و رونقاً مختلفا عن كل الأيام برغم بساطتها الشديدة. جعلني ذلك ألاحظ أنها تلك الأشياء التي نغفل عن أهميتها في حياتنا السر...

on this special day, please allow me to say a few things, for memories sake..  you don't know how lovely you are. you keep asking me why I do whatever I do - loving you, holding onto you, etc - and the answer is very simple, it's because of everything you are and everything you do. you don't know how lovely you are. how kind you are. how adamant you are to make yourself and people around you better. but most importantly, you don't quite know how good your heart is. you are quite truly - in my humble opinion-  a light that you cannot see with your own eyes. and seeing your heart in everything you do and say makes me admire you more and more everyday.   و علي رأي أم كلثوم و اللي جوة القلب كان في القلب جوة رحنا و اتغيرنا احنا إلا هو. الواحد اللي في قلبه باين مابيتغيرش كدة مهما عمل و بيبان للناس. I may never go back to the version I used to be, the version I liked, the version you somehow saw beyond everything, but I at least regained so...

July 04, 2019 Breaths are harder to catch, heart is pounding loudly, skin is crawling, tears are building, lungs are gulping. And all you can do is stay there, in the moment, feeling your heart get heavier by the second, heavier and heavier until it gets too heavy for your eyes and lung to take it, so you cry too loudly or maybe too silently, and you breathe a littler faster, a little louder, all the while trying to keep that heart of yours from falling out of your chest. And although you know it is impossible, at this very moment, it seems very possible.

OK I actually finally managed just before they took it off the screen to watch Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald and I am so happy I did because man, that was something. So let's talk about it, shall we? First things first, I would to publicly declare that I would like to have JK Rowling's' imagination for myself. I mean, this woman and her imagination have been my companion for the last at least 10-12 years of my life, I think I now know more about the wizarding world more than that of our real world.  I won't lie, I am one of those people who were terrified of the new extension added to the Harry Potter universe and venturing into the past and future of the series, I mean why mess with what's already pretty good, I thought it was a horrible idea. But I mean, who am I kidding? I am a sucker for anything Harry Potter related so obviously I went with the flow. And so far so good, I regret nothing.  In fact, I...

My "official" graduation was a week ago and you can bet I have more feelings about it than any person ever needs to have. Its rather funny how throughout life, when a phase is done, its done and put behind, you never think about other people who still have to go through that phase or those who are still in it. When high school was over, for me it was over for good, people no longer went to high school because well, I no longer go to high school and I am the center of my own universe. But now, this is the last step before entering real life, it sounds silly but it's like before this point, I could still pretend to be something I am not, I could pretend to have something that occupies my life and give me a purpose, once its over, I am left with nothing. Unless I get a job -which so far I am failing to do so thank you very much- I am now considered to be a waste of air and space, someone with no purpose, which I am. But the thing is, for so long I have had to ...

The idea of letting go of something or someone so close to our heart is sometimes one of the worst and most painful ideas ever because you could feel the ache right there in your chest but you know there's nothing to be done about it. You either hurt yourself or hurt the person you love the most. Sometimes letting them go is for their best, sometimes it's for yours. Sometimes the misery you both have to battle through is better than being together.  Sometimes the painful, dull ache you feel whenever you hear their name is better than always hearing them say your name.  Sometimes you're not given the choice to walk away or say goodbye. Sometimes it's ripped right away from your hands before you could blink and it leaves you there, aching, hurting and most of all coping. Coping with not having them there all the time, coping with not being able to call them yours or even have their name on the tip of your tongue anymore. It's all taken away ...