me, myself & I.

I am a dreamer and a pessimist trapped inside one body. And I think that has always been a problem. All my life I have been quiet. And it has not made it easier for people to quickly warm up to me. But it also means it has made it easier for people to easily say things to me, things that shouldn't be said, things that they think wouldn't hurt or provoke a reaction since I am always so "quiet" anyways. 

And all my life I have been content with this silence, careless about the assumptions, completely free. Until I wasn't. All I wanted from life is some ease and calm, some understanding and compassion. I wanted what I have always read about and watched in movies, whether in friendships, love, career or everything else. Because that's what I do, I dream of things that are unattainable, that are unrealistic and I wait for them to happen. 

I waited for so long until I wasn't anymore. I waited until somehow a switch was flicked inside and I convinced myself that there is nothing to wait for. That life is and will always be abysmal at best, and that's all I can expect from it. Otherwise, disappointment and misery are what waits for me. However, this perspective has not stopped me from -secretly- being a dreamer, a big fluffy piece of cake waiting dor the syrup to enrich it even more without realising it's a loaf of bread, and that no syrup is coming. It has also not stopped me from being disappointed by life, time and time again. 

Once again I find myself extremely down -physically and literally-, low on the ground, head on the walls. I find myself so angry and filled with emotions to the point where I am brimming all the time, but this time nothing really comes out. All my anger is reduced to helpless tears that won't always come out, or will come out in a flood. I am SO tired of being me. So tired of people misunderstanding me no matter what I do. So tired of being judged and perceived against my well. Just tired. 

I am still a dreamer. When I am having a good moment it's usually me doing something a character out of a book or movie would be doing, being content on my own, listening to the radio on a night ride, binge watching a cringe flick for days straight without having a worry in the world. Things that the more I immerse myself in reality, are harder and harder to come by. Harder to find a moment of calm amidst the chaos, harder to appreciate the little things without feeling so angry about all the missing big things. 

Does it get better? Is there a thin line between dreaming and pessimism that I can balance on? Can I ever feel whole again? Like myself without any fears or judgements? Am I delusional? Probably. Maybe. Who knows? 

All I really want seems simple enough in theory, but is so hard to achieve in reality without losing so much, and I am not sure how much more I can afford to lose before this happens.